Baby Blues

I have a bad case of baby blues. It wouldn't be so terrible, but I'd be 40 when I had the baby if I got pregnant right now. And that's so unlikely to happen, since it hasn't happened in 14 years. The dh would love a little girl, would be so awesome with her, but while I would be happy if it happened, I don't know if I could deal with a teenaged girl when I'm approaching 60. Still, I ache to hold a little body, to cuddle, to have someone who needs me.

Worse, there's a book in the teacher's lounge for sale about "the last time" a mom holds her boy, the last time she tucks him in, the last time they cuddle together on the couch, and she talks about how she never knew those were going to be the last times. Y'all, I was standing in the teacher's lounge BAWLING. Even now, thinking about it, I'm crying.

My son is 14. He's bigger than I am, and he's very close to his dad, but very distant from me nowadays, and it hurts. I feel like I let him down in some ways. So in part, I guess my baby blues are a desire to revisit the time we used to spend together, a chance to make up for however I failed him.

Do you remember the play "Our Town?" The main character died, and got to revisit special days in her life, and (it's been a long time since I've seen it, so forgive me if I don't remember it right) one of the days she chose was a day with her kids. Right now I would give anything to go back and have one day with my boy, a day when I didn't have to worry about anything else, like money, or work, or writing. When it could just be the two of us and he would love me like he used to.

I have always wondered why I didn't have another child. God probably knew me best (I'm a tad high-strung), but I've always wondered if it was because we got this perfect, smart, healthy boy the first time. My cousin's daughter is suffering through aplastic anemia (she's having a marrow transplant on Friday) and I don't know if I could survive that. So maybe it's a blessing I just have the one kid. Still, I have drawers full of baby clothes, maternity clothes, baby toys that have been waiting 14 years. In my everyday life, I don't really think about them, but if I gave them away, it would be like giving up, like saying there's no more chance, ever.

It doesn't help that my friend, who will be 41 next month and had her first child at 36 just thinks about getting pregnant and there she goes. The other day she told me she was going off the pill so she could try for a little girl. She'll probably be pregnant in January. I love her to death, but that just rips at me.

Okay, enough with the maudlin. Let's have some Gerry.

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11 comments:

Peggy said...

Ah Mary, your boy will turn the tide. Teenagers are only teenagers for so long and no matter what, you will always be the "woman" in his life. Even after marriage. There is no replacing you.

If it helps, I had my third child (a boy) ten years after having my last daughter. We had always wanted a boy. Everyone it seemed had a boy, but us. So we made a decision to go for it before I hit 40 when it would be too much of a risk factor. We lucked out, we got our boy. And we love him to death. Truly. Best thing that ever happened to my hubby. He came "alive" when that boy came into our lives. He needed him.

But, and I only say this here for heaven forbid I say it outloud, there are many, many days I wish I could turn back the clock and simply be happy with my girls. Sometimes I think there is a reason why we should have children young, lol. My youngest dd will be entering high school in two years and to think I was that much closer to getting my life back. But now, in two years, my boy will be entering kindergarten and it all starts over again.

I guess the saying "be careful what you wish for" is true. But, the first 16 years flew by and so will the next. In the end, I guess, whatever is meant to be, will be.

Stacy Dawn said...

Yes, my sister is going through the same as you right now Mary. Maybe it is the ages and hopefully it won't last too long.

Toni Anderson said...

Mary--a stupid question but have you ever asked at the doctors? Or even tried the thermometer/temp charting to find out when you're actually ovulating?

I bought my sister-in-law this book when she was trying to get pregnant--it didn't work for them, nothing did, but the biology is fascinating and illuminating!!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0091887585/qid=1131547607/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_10_1/026-1172325-1823615
And I think teenaged boys are supposed to go all distant (though I'll hate the day) and come back when they're older and not so 'cool'.
I love having a boy and a girl--but I would have loved whoever came out :D

Toni Anderson said...

PS. I think guys quite like being told they have to have sex NOW!!!

Gina Black said...

((((Mary))))

My DS (and youngest) is 16 and finally--just a few weeks ago--I let go of the portacrib and the DH took it to the Salvation Army. I've been past childbearing age for (koff) years now and I still want to have another baby sometimes. Your post really hit me.

Don't think that you've failed your boy. I'm sure you haven't. Everything I've ever seen you write says that you're a warm, loving woman. Maybe you just need to renegotiate the relationship into a slightly more adult place for him. Maybe you just need to do things together that you like to do together. Sometimes boys have a hard time showing their affection--mine is just beginning to be awkward with it.

My best friend from HS had her first child at 41--a real surprise because she'd never been able to have children before. So...you never know. :)

Bonnie Ferguson said...

(((Mary)))

Colleen Gleason said...

((((Mary))))

You haven't failed Josh, Mary! He's a teenaged boy, and teen boys are supposed to be cool and distant with their moms. This too shall pass. I promise.

(((Mary))) again. Wish I were there.

Colleen

Trish Milburn said...

Oh, Mary, I'm sorry you've got the blues. I'm no expert on this topic because I don't have kiddos, but I'm agreeing with the others who say it's a phase. I think when J is older, he'll be much closer to you. He's in that weird puberty/sorta-kinda a man phase. Not sure if a talk with him would work since guys of any age aren't what I'd call "emoters", but it's a thought.

MaryF said...

Peggy, I kind of have that same feeling - be careful what you wish for. I mean, right now, I pretty much can do what I want without worrying. For the first time, I don't have to worry about leaving school the minute my time's up, I can stay and work when I need to. I can spend all evening on the computer without too many interuptions. I can SLEEP.

But I kinda think I could give that up.

You guys know that I have a brother who's 16. My mom had him when she was 41. My boss had her last child at 42. So while not impossible, still a little scary ;)

Toni, I haven't gone in depth with dr stuff. We never really had that kind of $$. I've always been regular so the temp thing never really mattered. LOL on guys being told they have to have sex now. At my last school, three of us were trying to get pregnant, and we tried all kinds of things, like cough syrup to loosen the cervix mucus (TMI?). It worked for one girl, not me.

Gina, I feel SO much better that it took you so long to get rid of your baby stuff. It just feels - wrong.

Thanks for the hugs. I'm taking next Tuesday off to take the boy to the ortho, and I think I'll pull him out early to go to lunch, just the two of us. We had dinner alone last night, and it was okay. I just miss the hugs and spontaneous "I love yous."

Good thing I teach 3rd grade.

Amie Stuart said...

Mary my uncle just turned 50--he and his wife adopted twins two years ago. There's no way at 50 you could get me to do it again.

I'm a couple years behind you and a single mom (for a heck of a long time) so the reality is no babies ever again anymore but that doesn't stop me from wanting one every time i see a baby girl with dark curls and brown eyes.

*sigh*

Anonymous said...

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