Texas Rules (a cheat)

These apply to every person as they enter Texas. Learn 'em & 'member 'em. East Coast and California-types should pay particular attention!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road," I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get the hell out of the way.

3. Those are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. You don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

4. So you have a $60,000 dollar car. We're impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.

5. So what if ever! y person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawdads. You really want sushi &caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order a steak. Or order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham &turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use! three spices: salt, pepper and green chili. Oh, yeah .... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio....and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and serve over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have pretty long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education, plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Navy, Army, Marines and Air Force than any other sta! te, so "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, you will get your butt whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said: "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."

18. By the way, the boys that captured So-Damn Insane (Hussein) were from...Yep! You guessed it~~"The Great State of Texas."